If you’ve ever heard of the phrase ‘Fake enthusiasm breeds real enthusiasm’ then I would like to offer a new take on this – ‘Really aggressive enthusiasm breeds an all out rage fest of hulk smashing, sing songing, volcano eruption of enthusiasm!’

By the end of this article you’re going to want to sprint to your local tattoo artist, rip your shirt off, jump on the table and get a full back portrait of this FC roster. I would go so far as to say Kevin Wallace will ask for the entire front office to get a contract extension until the end of time, and Chief is going to hang a wall size oil painting of Kubo with his shirt off on top of a mountain shot gunning a coney. 

Coaching Staff

You wanted MLS experience – well Chris Albright basically went out and said, ‘If you’ve ever won anything in this league or have the last name of a guy that has won anything in this league, please come get paid’

If Jaap Stam can come in and take this group of players and win a bunch of games in a COVID tournament by changing some tactics around then how about a squad of guys that have consistently won in this league?


Guess what! Who gives a shit if Brenner just got back into town. We are playing with two forwards up top and Dom Badji, and Brandon Vazquez are going to score a million goals in this system. Last year Jaap made one consistent sub every game and it was putting Vasquez alone up top and if you can’t remember what happened…well nothing happened. Fast forward to later in the season when anyone who’s ever had a stroopwafel gets the hell out of Cincinnati, someone decided we should have two guys up top and then told Vasquez, ‘Hey, it would be cool if you went out there and score some goals.’ Add this to a Dom Badji who went to the Rapids and scored damn near every game he was subbed on and I think we could win the whole damn thing!

Vasquez + Badji + Brenner + Barreal = goals on goals on goals


I don’t care what everyone is saying! No! I SAID NO! 

Now listen to me for a second, imagine a world where professional athletes can do more than one thing. Enter Kubo, with all the confidence of a guy who can pull of a man-bun, a hairstyle that sounds like a savory pastry filled with every meat you could think of.

Kubo is launching rockets at goal this offseason playing in the midfield and is giving us every indication that he’s going to be a dude we pay a lot of money to score goals. This guy is good at the soccer and he’s going to be playing this midfield with Lucho – who is also very good at the soccer. Also, who says Allan Cruz can’t be good at soccer again? 

More players will come in at this position and it’s only going to get better and better and better…you get it.


This has got to be the best position group we have on this team and this is the first full season they get to play together. Sure they are lead by a guy who can’t spell his name correctly (Geoff?!) but that’s his personal choice or whatever.

We went out and got actual Right Backs in Alvas Powell and Ray Gaddis and both seem to be good at different things but the most important thing here is that THEY ARE ACTUAL RIGHT BACKS.

Also, Mata is a top Leftback in the league – that’s it, I don’t need to say more than that.


Hey! We got one! Alec Kann is a guy….end of sentence.