From the Editor: Will approached me after Mr Chalmers's piece "Never Go Against The Family" was posted. In that, Will's tweet to Matt Doyle was used as an example of a larger discussion about FC Cincinnati fans mocking their team to folks outside of the FC Cincinnati fanbase. It only felt fair to let Will respond. While we at The Post think Will missed the entire point of the original piece, we're not going to deny a rebuttable. He even made his own thumbnail image!
The Post would like to take this opportunity to let other people in the community submit articles and ideas to be published. This site was designed to be a voice of the fans, so of course we want to let fans contribute. Maybe this will be the last time we publish something like this, maybe its the start of many more articles like this. That part is up to you. - Kevin Wallace


By Will Hughes

For such a genuinely awesome city, Cincinnati sure has to overcome a lot of terrible things:

  • These people
  • Gold Star
  • I-75 never not being under construction
  • An airport with fewer direct flights than the first episode of Lost, and more boarded up areas than Eastgate Mall
  • The Brent Spence Bridge
  • Every early-to-mid November, everything dies and turns gray, and then comes alive just in time for monsoon season in April
  • Colerain

But you know what? Those are OUR terrible things. And this is OUR little corner of the hellhole the Iroquois called Ohi:yo’, which I can only assume means “4-way onion”.

You know something else that has been fairly terrible? FC Cincinnati. Not as a concept of course, but as far as the actual sport of soccer.

Feels good to say, no? F. C. Cin. Cin. Nati. Is. A. Bad. Soccer. Team. And they’re OURS!
*Whew* - Relief, huh?
Ok. Breathe.
Come on stop it. This isn’t news. The Orange and Blue have won two straight wooden spoons. The attack is basically what it would look like if one of those battle robots was built out of paper mâché. …Speaking of paper mâché, is Greg Garza still on contract?
Rumor has it that the global transfer market utilizes the FC as a threat.
Club: “Achieve X or do Y or else we’ll ship you to the arms of the Ohio”
Player: *Terrified scream*
Club: *High fives*
Agent: *Counts money* *Looks to see how his cartel stocks are doing*

Are we really so paranoid about our 24 months of disappointment that we can’t acknowledge them? Or even be in active denial over them?  That’s right, some FC Cincinnati fans still think the 2019 team was one or two bad breaks away from contention (Ooooo “firmly in playoff position by early April”. Well, I was the best-looking kid in the Bethesda North nursery).

Why are we so self-conscious about something that has been painfully taught to us multiple times?
Fool me once: Roster built with little input from people who actually know how to build rosters. Then the little input they do give is overridden by a minor league coach who doesn’t utilize a menu at restaurants, preferring to just copy his companions (I still can’t decide if that’s sorta cool or borderline sociopathic).

Fool me twice: National media states said roster is fundamentally flawed, fans (including moi) revolt, stand on top of homes screaming “you’ll see!”.
Fool me thrice: Worst defense in league history.
Fool me four times: Pretend the above either (a) didn’t happen or (b) was an anomaly, (c) bad luck, or… um… (d) Nippert Turf?
Fool me five times: Bring it up to analyze again because it didn’t suck enough the first time.  And dare you laugh about getting punk’d over and over!

News for you fellow Orange and Blue bleeders: Columbus, Nashville, and every other team with a spotty ball already make fun of us. And you hate them for it. So do I.
The national pundits pity us.  And you hate them for it. So do I.
Maybe if we beat them to the punch, it wouldn’t sting so bad?

If we can’t make fun of ourselves, we can’t make fun of anything. Chris Farley made a career of making fun of himself (we’re gonna conveniently ignore the end of that story for a second). If you beat the bystanders to the punch, they have nothing to work with. Not every time of course, have some self-respect, but at least occasionally? They’ll still make their jokes (after all, its Columbus and Nashville, we’re their hobby), but never with the same gusto. “Why am I doing this? They know they stink!”. Water off the duck’s back.

“But never go against the family”. Unless you wanna insinuate your fellow Orange and Blue fan has a crush on Matt Doyle. (How dare you. It’s on Twellman.) Then, hey, shoot at family.

We can simultaneously roast ourselves, optimistically look towards 2021, and sing kumbaya as one big happy socially distanced family. New signings will eventually happen. Coaching stability may make a world of difference. West End Stadium will be a blast, whenever we finally get to experience it. Win it all, prove the doubters wrong.

…but when we don’t, at least have some fun with it.

It was a joke about Justin Tucker, anyway.

Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe I went too far (I forget my twitter account with two-hundred-ninety-seven-and-dwindling followers has global appeal).
Maybe everything is lollipops and bubblegum and I should follow the Sirens blasting “Welcome Home” right into the rocks (I do that anyway but you get the idea).

Maybe I’m completely, 100% off the mark.

In which case, just call me Jürgen Locadia.