Horoscopes to Fix the Horror Show
During the recent loss against Columbus, a certain Twitter account offered the following tactical analysis:
It struck me as odd, given that it's not really an observation of play on the field, and also one that I'm not sure anyone who is not personally at the game can confidently make. But then I thought about it:
What if FC's problems aren't tactical, but are in fact vibe-based?
And sure enough, after two minutes on Google, I stumbled across what may be a central problem with our roster construction.
Fortunately, there are indications that the FC has taken this advice to heart and is paying more attention to the stars in making its decisions.
In these dark times, there is only one place to look: The stars.
So let's build a lineup for maximum astrological compatibility.
A few ground rules here. First, The Post is equal opportunity, so we are going to use each sign exactly once, between a manager and 11 players on the field. Second, I am sticking to the main 12 astrological signs, and not going into moon signs, mercury signs, ascendancy, or whatever. I need 12 options, and not 12 times 12 times 12 ad nauseum. Finally, I don't know anything about astrology, so information on the signs of the zodiac is coming from the only source on astrology that I trust: Allure magazine.
What else? A 4-3-3,with a number 9, two wingers, a 10, two 8s, and a 4-man backline.
The scales of justice, "Libra is obsessed with symmetry and strives to create equilibrium in all areas of life." Libras "are the aesthetes of the zodiac," who need to "create environments that reflect their exquisite tastes." Which is exactly what I'm looking for in a manager. I want a creative visionary who is going to mold the team to match his vision.
World Cup-winning manager Didier Deschamps and Arsenal legend Arsene Wenger.
Aries "loves to be number one." Aries "dives headfirst into even the most challenging situations." Aries have a "direct" approach, although they need "to watch out for selfish tendencies." Moreover, "the body part associated with Aries is the head." These are all the qualities that I'm looking for in my target striker.
Gemini is an air sign that "was interested in so many pursuits that it had to double itself." Gemini are "excellent at guiding change and transformation, "and are "most satisfied when they can move fluidly from one idea to the next." These qualities make them well-suited for the number 10 position in our team.
Moreover, Gemini and Aries make a great attacking partnership. According to Bustle, "They're social, outgoing, and never pass up an opportunity to have a good time. . . To everyone that knows them, the ram and twins seem to make the perfect match."
Cancer and Virgo
Cancers are highly intuitive "and their psychic abilities manifest in tangible spaces: For instance, Cancers can effortlessly pick up the energies in a room." They "are highly sensitive to their environments, as well as extremely self-protective." "They love to create cozy, safe spaces that serve as their personal sanctuaries, then spend lots of time in them." If you want a number 8 who is going to dominate the center of the field while at the same time picking up the offense's energy in transition, then you want a Cancer.
Pairing perfectly with Cancer is Virgo, a "logical, practical, and systematic" sign. Virgo "is a perfectionist at heart and isn't afraid to improve skills through diligent and consistent practice." In other words, Virgo is going to build itself into an overall player and isn't going to lose the ball cheaply in midfield. And Virgo's hyperawareness to detail and excellent communication will make sure that it finds the open player with a perfectly placed forward pass.
Kevin de Bruyne
Sagittarius and Aquarius
A Sagittarius "launches its many pursuits like blazing arrows, chasing after geographical, intellectual, and spiritual adventures." They are "fueled by wanderlust" and "can be found traversing all corners of the world on thrill-seeking expeditions." They need "freedom to roam" and are "associated with adaptability and flexibility." "With a Sagittarius, it's always a wild ride." These dynamic wingers are exactly what you need to create width while also knowing that they are capable of occupying any space on the field that you need them to.
And on the other wing we have Aquarius, the "most humanitarian astrological sign" who is nevertheless a "rebel at heart." This "free-spirited and eccentric" sign is "focused on implementing widespread reform" – once again providing the width that this teams – but can also "enjoy teamwork and participating in communities of like-minded individuals." We will, nevertheless, have to deal with the Aquarian "reputation for being aloof and distant in relationships."
The "extremely clairvoyant and intuitive" Scorpio will know when to stay back and when to bomb forward. This sign is known to "lie in wait and strike when least expected," and is "constantly plotting several steps ahead in order to orchestrate an eventual checkmate." Here, I'm expecting an attacking left back who nevertheless is reliable in defense.
Pisces, the fish sign, is the "most psychic, empathetic, and compassionate" of all. They "adore exploring their boundless imaginations," but "should remember that problems can't be solved by swimming away." Here, I'm expecting the Pisces to anticipate the attackers' runs and understand that positional discipline will be key.
Leo and Capricorn
Although some might play Leo at strike, because they "love to bask in the spotlight and celebrate themselves," I'm looking to take advantage of these "natural leaders" that "are renowned for their stability, loyalty, and consistency" to anchor my back line. Leos "are celebrated for their remarkable bravery" and "refuse to accept failure," so I expect them to always go the extra mile and hold their teammates accountable.
Pairing with the Leo, albeit somewhat of a risk, is Capricorn. Capricorn's are "skilled at navigating both the material and emotional realms" and they can "tap into their inner fortitude to overcome whatever stands between them and their long-term goals." They will need to maintain their "unwavering focus" to overcome adversity and not get shaken even when they give up a few goals and avoid mistakes at the back. In addition, as they are "excellent at taking action and launching initiatives," I know I can trust them to help play the ball out of the back.
It's going to be vital that our Libra manager can help balance these two out. Per Bustle, Leo and Capricorn "totally have what it takes to become the ultimate power couple, but making a relationship work initially could prove to be quite a challenge due to their core differences." Capricorn must feed "the Leo's fire with passion and adoration," and the Leo must "be the cheerleader for the Capricorn to achieve their goals."
Ali Krieger and Joel Matip
Eric Dier and Ibrahima Konate
The Taurus, represented by the bull, enjoys "relaxing in serene, bucolic environments" and is a natural homebody. "In their perfect world, Taureans would spend all day bathing in a tub overflowing with essential oils." This is good, as I don't want my goalkeeper straying too far out of the box. Also, I don't want a goalkeeper who isn't keeping up with their essential oils –they're essential, so you need them.
So there we go. Out is worrying about whether the players are all celebrating together enough. In is making sure that we have aligned the zodiac signs in the proper formation. Maybe neither is strictly "TacTalk," but who cares? This team sucks, so let's try anything.