Monday Morning Funblast 11/9/20
After a layoff to celebrate the results of the 2020 Election (if you know, you know), we’re BACK with a special Monday morning edition of the Funblast.
• Wait, there was a match on Sunday? I’ll be honest, it was entirely too nice of a Sunday to be stuck inside watching a dead fucking last place team play soccer. As we’re staring down the barrel of a pandemic-induced hell winter, I’m not gonna turn down the opportunity to be outside drinking on a warm November day. I did watch a little bit of the match on DVR later, and I really don’t know that you can take anything away from the result. First off, the game was played in a fucking tropical storm (which, name a more fitting way for this season to end). There are only two categories of people who should be outside during a major weather event: the meteorologist looking to pad their regional Emmy tape with footage of themselves fighting to stand upright, and the dipshit who comes out shirtless to stand behind the live shot and reveal the weather isn’t as bad as the meteorologist is pretending. And second, it couldn’t have been clearer that the majority of the team already had their minds on being anywhere else besides an FC Cincinnati match. This team has looked mentally checked for the better part of a month, and it really showed in the parts of the match I did watch on Sunday.
The team we were playing, Inter Miami, will be heading onward to the MLS Postseason. Ditto their expansion-buddies Nashville SC. We’ve been so fucking bad for so fucking long, that the enormity of this needs to sink in for a second: two expansion teams, both with completely new roster builds, will be playing playoff soccer before FC Cincinnati. For all the dunking we did on Nashville and their fans, the uncomfortable truth is that they are simply a better run club than we are, and a better on-field team than we are. Does tha tmake you angry? It should.
· Players on the Move. FC Cincinnati immediately announced a bunch of roster moves effective immediately. Smarter people than I will break this down, but I think the bottom line is this (related to what I just said above): if two expansion teams can make the playoffs, it’s probably best that we get rid of as many of these dudes as possible and just try again.
Seriously – who on this roster do you look at and say “Yup – this guy is a piece to build around?” It sure as fuck isn’t either one of the DPs, with Loca missing more shots than a stormtrooper and Yuya Kubo getting so many bad touches that he qualifies for the priesthood. The late season additions, Mokotjo and Barreal especially, might be the start of something, but it’s hard to even evaluate what they brought to the table in a limited run of games with limited opportunity for training. The only thing you can say is that they obviously weren’t difference makers, given that the team’s poor run of results continued after their arrival.
On the list of names being released, none stand out as anyone you’re going to miss (unless you enjoy slow defenders who get caught out of position too often or USL talents collecting MLS wages). The team indicates that they’re currently in negotiation with a few of the released players, but as it stands right nowthe roster has been almost completely turned over from the Koch / Luke build from Y1. So, at the very least, they’ve accomplished an important team goal of eliminating that particular retort from Nijkamp’s Big Bag of Dumb Fucking Excuses. Progress comes in many forms, I suppose.
• A Town Hall That WON’T Be Cancelled by Donald Trump. Tonight, there will allegedly be a town hall where members of The FC’s front office will take questions (filtered by a moderator) about the team’s 2020 season as well as plans for 2021. I’d assume, like all club-run events, that this will be on the Pravda level of journalistic integrity and be about as hard-hitting as the Reds post-season offense. But, on the off-chance that real questions get asked, here is what I’d like to see answered:
1. To Jaap & Gerard Both: How would you grade your performance on the 2020 season? And, if you give yourself a better than failing grade, how would it have been possible to do worse this year?
2. To Gerard: Given how poorly the entire team played, including the players you brought in, why should the fans trust that you will get things right THIS time?
3. To Jaap: What will you do differently next year to ensure that the team doesn’t look utterly clueless on offense?
4. To Jaap & Gerard Both: Are you prepared to guarantee that FC Cincinnati will make the playoffs next season? If not, why – given that Miami & Nashville both qualified in their first year of existence.
5. BONUS SPICY QUESTION TO GERARD: Do you believe Ron Jans deserved to be dismissed?
I don’t expect there will be many answers given at this event. But, it would be refreshing to at least hear someone at the top of the club admit they failed this year and outline why they believe it won’t happen again. Because, right now, it’s just blind faith you’re placing in the leadership of this club.
• 2020 The FC Season Superlatives. We’ll be back later this week with a fuller recap of the season that was, including 2020 Season Superlatives. If you’ve got suggestions, the DMs are open or you can e-mail us the old-fashioned way at email@example.com.
• STOP THE COUNT! Speaking only for myself, I could not be more fucking relieved that the political season has come and gone. We learned a lot about our country in the last few weeks, including that apparently every kid in high school who couldn’t pass their reading and math tests ended up as ballot counters in Nevada or Pennsylvania. I also can’t imagine the uproarious laughter happening in other countries over the fact that the fucking troll of a human who got “got” by Borat was somehow put in charge of "challenging" the election by the President of the United States. This would be the functional equivalent of Angela Merkel asking Johnny Knoxville to negotiate new trade deals between the EU andthe UK (presumably saying “I’m Johnny Knoxville, and this is Hard Brexit” and then being launched by a slingshot into a brick wall with the Union Jack painted on it).
It’s also a good bet that you’re now going to be denied updates from that favorite racist aunt or uncle in your life, because the entire right wing of America has noped-off Facebook & Twitter to go sign up with Parler, PepeChat or whatever nutjob social media offshoot has been created to allow a "safe space" for unfunny memes and conspiracy theories about Satanists that eat children. Spoiler Alert: don’t expect Queen City MAGA Pigs to pop up on there anytime soon.
NYCFC fans on the other hand…
Alright, that’s it for this week. We’ll be back later onwith a full-season recap and 2020 Season Superlatives. So, until then, see you motherfuckers in the Thunderdome.