Now is the Time to Panic About FC Cincinnati's Roster
Certain people who shall not be named (Kevin), drunk on their media privileges and not wanting to jeopardize their exclusive access to games during a pandemic, have already begun their off-season propaganda campaign for the governing regime. Like the state media telling us not to expect too much of Biden on "Day 1" of his term, it seems The Post Cincy has happily joined in efforts to manage fan expectations.
Now it is time for a level-headed, independent voice to stand up and lead the fans, like the man brave enough to be the first to yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater.
Yes, you should panic about FC Cincinnati's roster.
Here is a list of players on the roster who played on last season's Wooden Spoon* winner, along with their goals scored in 2020:
Saad Abdul-Salaam (0)
Frankie Amaya (1)
Zico Bailey (0)
Alvaro Barreal (0)
Allan Cruz (1)
Joe Gyau (1)
Nick Hagglund (1)
Franko Kovacevic (0)
Yuya Kubo (3!)
Jurgen Locadia (2)
Haris Medunjanin (1)
Kamohelo Mokotjo (0)
Tom Pettersson (0)
Caleb Stanko (0)
Ensign Beckham Sunderland (0)
Przemyslaw Tyton (0)
Maikel van der Werff (0)
Brandon Vazquez (2)
That's a lot of players! And not a lot of goals!
Thus far, FC have signed three players: Ronald Matarrita, Cody Cropper, and Ben Mines. Exactly one of those (Matarrita) played meaningful MLS minutes the last two years, which included this gem. Cropper has been riding the bench for Houston and New England (with a handful of matches in the USL for Hartford), and it seems Ben Mines is more involved with following thirst traps on Twitter than setting … midfield traps … for the other team (is that a soccer thing?).
Meanwhile, Columbus just signed Bradley Wright-Phillips (remember him?) as their BACKUP striker.
You know who else didn't panic while his rival made acquisitions? Neville Chamberlain, and it was called appeasement. Instead of waiting for Columbus to march into our territory and steal our fans (who are already half-Crew fans anyway, like how the British royal family is actually German), we should be firing warning shots at Nijkamp and Stam.
I'm not saying Nijkamp and Stam are well, you know, even though they are Dutch and have the same haircut. I am saying that the last time a Dutch person sat around and waited for something to happen, we all had to read her diary in eighth grade.
Being a fan is being part of a community, and communities need solidarity. After a few years being part of the political left online, I've learned that solidarity is built through criticism, personal attacks, gatekeeping, and constantly accusing others of being shills, grifters, and neoliberals. So don't listen to the neoliberal shills at this website. When FC posts pictures of the stadium online, remind them that we only care about signings. Whenever we are linked to a transfer target, go on his social media and badger him to come here. If the roster needs an upgrade, tag the player individually on Twitter and tell him how bad you think he is (EDITOR'S NOTE: DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS).
But above all else, do not let anyone tell you how to be a fan. It's not getting better, and it never will. So panic.