Say you’re sorry Jaap. 

Apologize for making me side with some of our dumbest fans. 

Take some blame for people spending real American currency on wooden spoons to send the club. 

Let everyone know you need to do a better job preparing your team. Do it with feeling.

Maybe cry a little.

You could go “I know it’s only three games into the season but we haven’t been good enough. Everyone.” Something like that. 

Promise you won’t ruin the West End Stadium opening game with another dramatic no-show. Hold my hand and promise me.

Hug Joe Gyau like in ‘Good Will Hunting’ and say “its all my fault. it’s all my fault.”

Look at Kubo in his eyes and then shrug. 

Call The Post’s Max Ellerbe and say “I fucked up” for forcing him to defend this team when they’ve been nearly indefensible. 

Apologize to FCC’s social media team for looking like that one dude. You honestly should have grown a mustache. 

Give a random fan a gift card to a nice fast casual restaurant. $40 should cover it. 

Try some different stuff. I won’t get technical, but I’m talking soccer stuff. Switch it up. You know what I’m talking about.

Can you do that? Thanks man.

Don't piss on our heads and say it’s raining. 

And finally, don't tell us we're fucking idiots.

Otherwise you're doing great.