The Super League is Here Because You Asked For It
By now, everyone has already heard about the brand-new Super League. A breakaway group of twelve (soon to be fifteen) teams are forming a brand new league, from which they cannot be relegated or removed to, theoretically, replace the UEFA Champions League. This has been met, predictably, with angry reactions from around the football world. Fans are now calling for boycotts and banners and signs of support to come down, with some even going so far as to renounce their fandom. The corrupt heads of UEFA and FIFA are also threatening that any club who participates in this new league will have their player banned from international competitions, such as the forthcoming World Cup in 2022. Basically, you are seeing an all-out war being waged in the media, in the stands, and in the boardrooms to kill this new “monstrosity” in the crib.
To which I respond: Fuck these people.
No, in all seriousness: Fuck. These. People.
Let’s start at the very top here: the threats coming down from UEFA, with the backing of FIFA, to ban players based on their participation in this league. The idea that either of these entities has even an ounce of fucking credibility is laughable in a way the best comedians in the world could only dream of. You could resurrect George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, Richard Pryor and Patrice O’Neal to do a comedy show and it still wouldn’t be as fucking funny as this is. UEFA is, as we speak, in the process of expanding the number of Champions League matches for the sole purpose of making even more money, so miss me with any talk that they care about anything else in this situation beyond someone else getting their paper. And as for FIFA — where the fuck do you begin there? How about that the World Cup they’re talking about banning players from is being built on the bodies of literally thousands of dead migrant workers in Qatar — a place that only got the World Cup in the first place because they bribed the fuck out of anyone who could hold a bag of cash. The high ground they’re operating on is made of bullshit and corruption, and they can fuck off for trying to look like the good guys here.
As for the fans, people like you, dear readers? Not to go all WWE heel here, but you lot are the real villains in this story. Fans, in general, have been grossly indifferent to the corrupting influence of money in world football for years. The naked desire to be part of the “in crowd” in whatever league your team plays in has made every single person turn a blind eye to the fact that the top-flight of world football has been bought and paid for a trillion times over for decades now. People sing “City ’til I die” and “Keep the Blue Flag Flying High” while looking the other way as Arabian Royalty money and sweet Russian oligarch cash flow like a fucking tsunami into the coffers of their teams. The fans at Manchester United aren’t mad that the billionaire Glazer family owns their team, they’re mad that the Glazer family gives more of a shit about Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski than they do spending enough for United to resume its dominance of the Premier League. Even saintly Bayern Munich, it of the land of “50+1,” is completely fine spending to curb stomp the Budesliga into oblivion every year, ruining any pretense of “sporting merit” being the determining factor of success.
The truth is you’ve been watching the “Super League” for decades already, as the same teams compete to see who’s billionaire owners will do best at selecting the best-of-the-best players. The only difference between this new venture and what you’ve been watching is that they’re now rubbing your nose in the fact that they’re simply richer and better than everyone else. Right now, they sell you Cinderella in the form of a couple “who gives a fuck” games to the Lokomotiv Moscows and Galatasarays of the world every year before, inevitably, Real Madrid, Bayern or Man City win the Champions League. Like the always do. And, thanks to Financial Fair Play kicking the ladder of “inject a couple billion into a team and buy your way to the top” out behind them — like they always will. You watch it every year. You get that itch every time you hear “THE CHAMPIOONNNNNS” ring out on the Paramount+ app you spend $5 a month for (so that they, in turn, could inject even more fucking money into these already super-rich clubs). Hell, you probably picked your favorite European club because they play in this tournament most of the time. This is exactly what you signed up for. You like this. You just need to get over that small bit of “but, but — people are saying this is bad!” and embrace the fact that you’re going to like the Super League too.
Because, at the end of the day, this is going to fucking happen. The point of no return passed the second all of these clubs hit “tweet” at the same time on the announcement last night. And if you’re banking on FIFA riding in on their shitstained white horse to save you, think again. There’s a boatload of fucking cash to be made here, and FIFA isn’t going to risk these clubs paying their players enough to sit out of the World Cup. Because the second they do that, the World Cup turns it into the Olympics — a watered down, also-ran tournament where the best of the best are sitting on the sidelines. Plus, FIFA doesn’t want to deal with a Human Rights Violation-a-Palooza in Qatar without Christian Pulisic and Sergino Dest out there making Americans feel all star-fucking-spangled awesome about watching. The World Cup is their sacred cash cow that most be protected. And, in the end, someone will get paid off, and they’ll quietly back down to allow the Super League to happen.
The only question here is: will you watch? I’m not gonna tag Old Takes Exposed on anyone, but I’d bookmark those angry tweets right now and set a reminder to delete them in 2024 — because I’m betting every one of you marks will be back singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” or “Glory Glory Man United” the second the teams hit the pitch. And even if you won’t, there are a billion people in China and another billion in India (who absolutely, positively, do not give a shit about the history and pageantry of the old ways) who just want to watch the best players in the world do cool shit. And they will.
So get your aggrieved takes out now while the Likes & RTs are flowing. I’ll see you all for the Super League in 3 years.