Abi had a hilarious idea for an article and The Post is nothing if not the place unafraid to publish what other outlets won't. And who hasn't been curious about those tiny bags soccer players are always photographed with? Turns out some of them are stupid expensive.
- Kevin W

Abi Francis

Tyler Blackett

Goyard bags are carried by people who really know designers. They can’t be purchased online and the brand is known for their secrecy. If you want to know the price of a bag and can’t make it to one of their 29 Goyard boutiques that exist in the world, you have to call and speak to a human. I found this price through an online reseller and it’s probably less than a new bag costs. He’s also carrying two phones. He’s out there existing on a higher level, zero style competition. 

Brandon Vazquez

I could do a whole article just on the many bags, shoes, and NFTs of Brandon. The man loves to shop. Gucci bag aside he’s wearing Travis Scott Nikes that likely cost north of $1,300 on the resale market. I’m sure he got a discount because he “has a guy” but to wear them in the rain?! Nothing but confidence. He knows Gregg is going to be calling, it’s just a matter of time. 

Brenner

It’s an underwhelming Louis Vuitton bag. The brand used to be exclusive and difficult to obtain. Now you can buy them at Kenwood Mall. They’re not cheap but they’re also not that special. They’ve been pushed to the back of a lot of people’s closets. I want to believe they can make a comeback and be the bag we all need and want. If not, I hope we can recoup some of the cost that have been invested into them and they go on to be an amazing bag for someone else.  

Kenneth Vermeer

It’s just a bigger Louis Vuitton. No further notes.

Tyler Blackett... Again!

TWO?? Is that initials on the side? To get your bag initialed you have to have it sent to the main store in Paris where they hand paint them on. 

He’s living out my dream purse life. The closest store to here is in Chicago and the bag I want is $3,500. My pay from this article should just cover the cost (thanks Jeff!). 

Haris Medunjanin

This is the most expensive bag on the team if you don’t add up Blackett’s collection. Tom Ford is classic and classy. Jay-Z sang a whole song about Tom Ford, if you just read that you now know all the lyrics. This is the bag of a grown ass man. Haris’ style is immaculate. Every game day fit is tailored perfection. I will miss seeing them next season. Like, no way we’ll see them…right?

*The sweater is an Amiri cashmere sweater from 2018. $1,190

Ben Mines

I did not see this coming. Ben with the Prada bag, hell yeah Ben. This was the single appearance he made before we shipped him off to somewhere out West to be amazing on a lower-level team (I have no idea if he’s been good). When I saw this picture of him in a freaking sponge bob shirt and a Prada bag it was an immediate serotonin booster. He also has a solid Twitter game. #BringBenBack

Alvaro Barreal

I had to admit defeat after an hour of trying to figure out the designer of his man bag. I don’t want to talk about it. Luckily, he has a secondary bag that I can focus on. Unlike all the other bags carried into the stadium the contents of this tote aren’t a mystery. I had to Google it because I’m from Ohio and my lineage is white European all the way until it hits lizard. I learned this is a yerba mate tote. Barreal often posts pictures of himself enjoying a yerb at home and I’m never getting over that I can’t figure out the other bag. 

Arquimides "Quimi" Ordonez

Like the humble local who’s mom just dropped him off to play on a professional sports team he’s carrying a sensible Adidas shoe bag and an iPhone 8. Quimi deserves more love as a hometown hero. Haggs is great but look at this guy. That smile? Best on the team. He could be carrying a severed head and he’d still be adorable. Why aren’t we calling him the prince of Cincinnati yet? 

Zico Bailey

He has a backpack on but I’m choosing to ignore that. The vibes are immaculate and free. He doesn’t care about your designer bag. He’s just here to hang out with his best friend Quimi and work with Murphy to bring down the average age of our defense to under 30. 

John Nelson

He’s not going to carry a purse. 

He’s a man.