No time to waste with a fluffy intro, I'm here to dissect some of your favorite American soccer writer/reporters/pundits Twitter avatars. What are they all about? LET'S FIND OUT!

David Gass (@empiregass)
How does David Gass show the world he’s a heavyweight in soccer punditry while also conveying a bit of his renowned humor? Well for this tightrope act he goes with a candid post/pre game(?) interview shot with semi famous Zlatan Ibrahimovic. The big Swede’s furrowed brow and pursed lips add the levity to the photo and help form the entire vision for the Gass man. (7/10)

Jeff Carlisle (@JeffreyCarlisle)
Jeff has clearly been at this for a hot minute. Safe to assume this photo is at least 15-20 years old. True veteran move using a square pic that’s smaller than the circle, proving sometimes you CAN fit a square peg in a round hole. His long outdated ‘ESPN pic as avatar’ shows he doesn’t have time for your BS, and I respect that. Needs an update though… (4/10)

Tom Bogert (@tombogert)
Tough to get a read on this one but my gut tells me this photo was taken at a non-soccer event, possibly a wedding. Appears he has cropped out friends, or family for this one. Is he sending a message to them, or is it merely the perfect smile he wants to send to the world? Either way, shows he’s not hammering the ‘I WRITE ABOUT SOCCER’ angle. Cropping people out docks him a few points though. (6.5/10)

Ives Galarcep (@SoccerByIves)
Ives has been a fixture on soccer twitter as long as one can remember. He’s not afraid to mix it up in the replies, but his twitter pic lets the randos know “I get field access, and I use it.” Who am I to critique a power move? Welcoming yet all-knowing with a classic ‘sports reporter’ vibe. (7/10)


Paul Tenorio (@PaulTenorio)
Great friendly shot of Paul here. Was this a professional headshot from his days at the Washington Post, or Orlando Sentinel? I won’t be googling to find out, but this high quality photo looks like an 85mm lens with great background blur and just screams out “TRUST ME!” to possible DM’d leaks. This bad boy has at least a five year shelf life. (8.5/10)

Grant Wahl (@GrantWahl)
Grant also went with a professional headshot from one of his past gigs. Unlike Paul, who incorporated natural elements in the background, this shot screams corporate VP of sales and not the rogue free agent Grant is now. With SI in the rearview, it’s time for Grant to update this picture for the NEW him. (5/10)


Felipe Cardenas (@FelipeCar)
Felipe, like David Gass, is attempting to tell his entire story in one image. Not only is he in a locker room after a big game, but he’s recklessly wearing a nice sweater in what is most certainly a champagne spray zone. Felipe will put his fashion at risk to get the interview clip. Having several other reporters IN your avatar (although the circle crop of twitter probably crops them out for the most part) is a minor self own and a free bump for CNN. (7/10)

Pablo Mauer (@MLSist)
Don’t box me in bro. Pablo reflects his ‘off the beaten path’ articles by walking on a semi-beaten path towards the unknown. He’s confident enough in his work that he makes no attempt to imply professional soccer writer in this image, although having MLS in his handle probably does the job. Points must be docked for hiding his face so FCC fans can’t know exactly who they are arguing with, but such is the artist. (7/10)

Meg Linehan (@itsmeglinehan)
Joining Paul, Meg is giving us some great background blur with a quality DSLR or SLR camera. A casual smirk belies the major scoop she’s about to break, whilst giving no clues as to what profession she’s a part of. Is it too much to ask to have an out of focus vintage soccer poster in the background? Just spit-ballin here… (8/10)


Sam Stejskal (@samstejskal)
Looks like a professional headshot, but more of a ‘start-up dot com’ headshot than a Sinclair broadcasting one. Black and white adds a level of seriousness that may have been lost with such an emphatic smile. Nothing SCREAMS soccer but it doesn’t take a detective to tell this guy has said the word ‘footy’ before. (7/10)


Matt Doyle (@MattDoyle76)
Known on MLSsoccer.com as the armchair analyst, Doyle chose the website’s image as his Twitter avatar. Years ago I pondered what this faceless silhouette looked like IRL, which added a bit of intrigue to his writing. Today any MLS fan will recognize that mug from his many tv/internet appearances and selfies with his cat. The chair pic? Well that’s feeling dated, and since we already know what you look like just take the plunge. You can have the cat in it as well. (5/10)

Brain Sciaretta (@BrianSciaretta)
Black and white? Possible Euro trip? Ok Brian we get it. You and Pablo have definitely hung out haven’t you. Brian wants the soccer community to know he is well traveled and so much more than a soccer writer. Looks to my eyes a cell phone picture, but a proper SLR shot on a 35mm lens would have taken this vibe to the PEAK! The peak of what? I’m not sure. I just bought my first FUJI and I’m really looking forward to looking the part. (7/10)

Jonathan Tannenwald (@thegoalkeeper)
Is Jonny a Google Pixel user? Something about this photo has a Pixel vibe. Either way, Jonathan is giving us the full essence of how legit he is in one picture. Eiffel Tower? Yeah this guy travels. World cup press lanyard? Yeah, he covered it. NBD. Points need to be docked for not doing something funny with Le Eiffel (is that right?) like a pinch. An unironic landmark shot in this modern age? BOLD! This just feels soccer writerish to me, so I’ll score it accordingly. (8.5/10)

Jeff Rueter (@jeffrueter)
Decent background blur has me thinking this is on an actual camera, with the illusion of catching a natural moment. Why then is he standing in the middle of the street? Folks I declare this "verite’" image as staged. I own a similar flowery shirt, so respect for that. Nothing in this photo suggests anything about being a soccer writer and I’m no longer sure if I’m counting that as a positive or a negative. Who cares? Not me. (7/10)

Pat Brennan (@PBrennanENQ)
Pat’s gone with his Enquirer head shot, a common move amongst reporters. The reasoning is clear: how often does one get their picture taken by a professional? Well lit, well groomed and a high resolution. Does it tell us anything ABOUT young Brennan? No. But it’s not hard to imagine that smirk creeping in after a #ClassicPat tweet has just been fired off. Shelf life of using this pic expires after 2021. You’ve been put on notice. (6.5/10)

Paul Kennedy (@pkedit)
The young kids on YouTube would surely ask “was this taken on a toaster?” Paul, it’s time. You had a good run with this picture (taken circa 1994??) but the world is ready for an update. Blue button ups are now reserved for Judge Judy defendants and CST’rs. The headshot itself? It denotes a journalist who has been at this for a long time. Doesn’t mean you can’t give us some freshness though. (4/10 but also kind of 10/10)

Steven Goff (@soccerinsider)
Picture of a picture? Mind melting. Goff could comfortably rip someone anew on Twitter and pass by them freely in person. A faceless man who wants you to know he liked soccer when it was played with a leather ball and I guess in the shadow of WWII. At least it’s job appropriate. It’s time to show yourself though Stevey; stop hiding. (5/10)


Andrew Wiebe (@andrew_wiebe)
The perfect picture doesn’t exi-

Oh… oh my. (10/10)