BREAKING: Former Al Hilal Player Neymar Jr. Interested in Move to Lionel Messi's Major League Soccer Where Son Heung-min and Paul Rothrock Play

Grayson

Well, the news is out. The FC has spoken to someone who knows Neymar and the team is having "internal discussions" about a potential move. This news—basically the only major event happening in the world right now—shocked fans, commentators, and Evander alike:

The biggest question, of course, was what exactly might draw someone like Neymar to the FC. Other than, obviously, the world-class facilities, such as the TQL Stadium and the Mercy Health Training Center, which Neymar has surely never seen in his career playing for minnows like Barcelona, Paris Saint-Germain, and something called "Santos." So, counting down from 5 to 1, here is just a taste of what Cincinnati has to offer to someone of his stature.

5. Touchdown Jesus

Although Neymar is from the Sao Paulo area, I assume he has been to Rio de Janeiro and seen the famous "Christ the Redeemer" statute.

Well, if he ever gets homesick, we have basically the same thing just north of Middletown.

Speaking of Middletown, I assume Neymar has always been curious about that little metropolis, since it was immortalized in literary classics Ready Player One and Hillbilly Elegy. And if he ever ventures up there for the gluten free brewery, he can go to nearby Hamilton for the Pyramid Hill Sculpture Garden and the Hollow Earth Monument.

4. Café Mochiko

What is there to say about this Walnut Hills gem, which is not infrequently required to close so that JD Vance can pick up pastries? I'll let a recent episode of The Splendid Table do the talking for me:

Guest: So it's like, what does American ramen look like after that? Hard to say. Yeah, because ramen is also evolving in Japan. Sure. But well, some people say it's like using all American ingredients. That could be one style of American ramen. Or it could be something like this place in Cincinnati making amazing ramen. They have a Cincinnati chili ramen, which is, you know, it sounds not good.

Host: I wasn't going to say anything.

So yeah, don't say anything. Run, don't walk, to Café Mochiko in East Walnut Hills.

3. Sweetness Brazilian Bakery/Texas de Brazil

People have the wrong impression of Cincinnati, as if it's something other than the Belo Horizonte of the Midwest/Great Lakes region. Well, let me dispel you of that fiction—Cincinnati knows exactly what it's doing when it comes to Brazilian cuisine.

As proof, let me point you to two local* establishments, Sweetness Brazilian Bakery and Texas de Brazil. Sweetness, up in Loveland, is a well-reviewed Brazilian pastry and coffee shop owned by a Cincy couple who originally hail from Brazil. Texas de Brazil, on the other hand, is a successful national chain patronized by Evander and which, according to one confidential team source, is "better than Skyline."

2. The Second-Place* Cincinnati Reds

If I know anything about Neymar, it's that he could quite possibly be a big baseball fan. And this could change at any time, but your Cincinnati Reds are currently sitting in second place in the National League Central and atop the Wild Card standings. Imagine if the Reds make the playoffs and Neyman gets to meet Sal Stewart in the same season!

1. Music Hall and Union Terminal (Hall of Justice)

Sometimes, people view athletes of Neymar's stature as if they're superheroes. Those of us (which I assume is everyone) who saw the recent Superman film were treated to a slightly modified version of Cincinnati's Union Terminal, repurposed as the Hall of Justice.

And in an interview last year, James Gunn actually said that the Green Lantern is from Cincinnati! When you also consider that Cincinnati's The Flaming Lips both sing the theme song from Peacemaker and stand in for part of Superman's favorite band The Mighty Crabjoys, it becomes clear that any real-life superhero like Neymar could find no better home.

And, as Neymar is a man of the world and surely a lover of the arts (having lived in Gaudi's Barcelona and Coco Chanel's Paris), he may want to take in the symphony or opera at Music Hall, designed by local renowned architect Samuel Hannaford.

I have it on good authority that—despite being in his third year with the team and it being like one block from TQL Stadium—Miles Robinson recently visited Music Hall for the first time. I assume the delay was due to sheer intimidation of being in the presence of such a marvel.

Anyway, when you think about it, there really is no clearer destination for Neymar than FC Cincinnati. So consider the deal basically done!