FC at the Movies
Grayson Chalmers
Last night was the Golden Globe Awards, where the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – one of the world’s foremost associations of ass-kissers and sexual harassers –gives out awards each year to the celebrities and filmmakers that they most would like to party with. Later this month, we will find out the nominations for this year’s Academy Awards, the annual event where Hollywood celebrates how much more progressive and sophisticated it is than the rest of the United States, while occasionally giving lifetime achievement awards to strike-breakers and people who named names to the House Un-American Activities Committee.
What these two shows have in common is that, in some respect, they honor something that we all love: The movies. And, surely, no one loves movies more than the members of FC Cincinnati. So it seemed especially apt at this point of the preseason to help folks get familiar with the players on the roster by identifying the best movie to come out in each year that a current FC player was born. (Work with me here.) For each year, I’m going to list the movie that won the Oscar for best picture, the highest grossing film, some honorable mentions, and the actually best movie to come out that year. So without further Freddy Adu, here’s the list.
1986 (Kenny Vermeer)
Best Picture: Platoon
Highest-Grossing film: Top Gun
Honorable Mention: Stand By Me, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Labyrinth, Manhunter, Highlander, Blue Velvet, Pretty in Pink, Crocodile Dundee, 9 ½ Weeks, The Color of Money, Big Trouble in Little China, The Fly, Three Amigos!, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Peggy Sue Got Married, The Money Pit, An American Tail, Hoosiers, Hannah and Her Sisters, She’s Gotta Have It, My Beautiful Laundrette.
Actual Best Movie: Aliens.
It was pretty hard nailing down one film from 1986 as the “best,” and it was even harder avoiding listing nearly everything released as at least an honorable mention. But making hard decisions is why I make the big bucks at The Post, and I have to say that nothing holds up on every level as well as Aliens, James Cameron’s sequel to the Ridley Scott classic Alien. The story is compelling, the action is great, Paul Reiser is the quintessential “corporate” guy villain, and the space Marines are shockingly well-drawn as individual characters, which makes it all the more affecting when they meet their eventual doom. And, of course, Sigourney Weaver’s portrayal of Alice Ripley is an all timer.
1990 (Alec Kann, Raymon Gaddis)
Best Picture: Dances with Wolves
Highest-Grossing Film: Ghost
Honorable Mention: Home Alone, Pretty Woman, The Hunt for Red October, Edward Scissorhands, Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future Part III, Misery, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tremors, House Party, Dick Tracy, Miller’s Crossing, RoboCop 2, The Rescuers Down Under.
Actual Best Movie: Goodfellas
Admittedly, 1990 is not as strong of a year as 1996, and even the honorable mentions list is digging a bit deep. Nevertheless, sometimes a really strong player can carry the year, like Lucho Acosta carries FC’s offense. And that is exactly what Goodfellas does. Goodfellas is the best Mafia movie ever made, in spite of the fact that morons mostly take away from it that mobsters are cool dudes who have a good time.
(I was very tempted to put Home Alone here. What a year for Joe Pesci.)
1992 (Nick Hagglund, Dominique Badji)
Best Picture: Unforgiven
Highest-Grossing Film: Aladdin
Honorable Mention: Reservoir Dogs, Basic Instinct, My Cousin Vinny, The Bodyguard, A League of Their Own, A Few Good Men, The Last of the Mohicans, Batman Returns, Sister Act, Encino Man, The Mighty Ducks, Patriot Games, Glengarry Glen Ross, Wayne’s World, FernGully: The Last Rainforest, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Malcolm X, White Men Can’t Jump, 3 Ninjas, Singles, Hard Boiled, The Player
Worst Movie that Somehow Got Awards: Scent of a Woman
Actual Best Movie: Unforgiven
They did it, folks. The Oscars gave Best Picture to the actual best movie of the year. Although there is admittedly some stiff competition and a few genuine classics, Unforgiven is a perfectly executed movie from beginning to end. As the last of the classic westerns, it’s hard to think of a better film that could have closed out that genre. There will never be another movie like it.
1993 (Junior Moreno, Yuya Kubo)
Best Picture: Schindler’s List
Highest-Grossing Film: Jurassic Park
Honorable Mention: Dazed and Confused, Tombstone, Groundhog Day, True Romance, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Super Mario Bros., The Firm, Mrs. Doubtfire, A Bronx Tale, The Fugitive, Sleepless in Seattle, Demolition Man, The Sandlot, Last Action Hero, Hocus Pocus, Carlito’s Way, Philadelphia, Rookie of the Year, In the Name of the Father, Cool Runnings, This Boy’s Life, Rudy, Gettysburg, Free Willy, In the Line of Fire, Farewell My Concubine, CB4, What’s Love Got to Do with It, The Wedding Banquet
Best Movie Filmed in Cincinnati: Airborne
Actual Best Movie: Jurassic Park
A real nice mix of high and low from 1993, some cult classics, genuine classics, and hidden gems. But there’s only one answer for the actual best movie of the year, and it’s Jurassic Park.
1994 (Alvas Powell, Lucho Acosta, Sergio Santos)
Best Picture: Forrest Gump
Highest-Grossing Film: The Lion King
Honorable Mention: The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Leon: The Professional, True Lies, Interview with the Vampire, Speed, The Mask, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb and Dumber, The Santa Clause, Natural Born Killers, The Crow, Clerks, Chungking Express, Airheads, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Reality Bites, Three Colors: Red, The Ref, PCU, Eat Drink Man Woman, Ed Wood, Four Weddings and a Funeral
Best Movie About a Disgraced Former Cincinnati Reds Manager: Angels in the Outfield
Best Movie Filmed in Cincinnati: Milk Money
Actual Best Movie: Forrest Gump?
This is a really tough year because it has a lot of movies that have an argument for “best,” and it’s hard to have a head-to-head competition because it’s like they’re not even playing the same game. So I went with Forrest Gump, as it’s a fun watch from beginning to end and is anchored by a wonderful, heartfelt performance by Tom Hanks. Yes, it’s an incredibly flawed film and raises some uncomfortable questions if you think about it too hard, but also it’s the movie from that year that I probably think about the most. Finally, there seems to be a bit of a backlash against it, which triggers my contrarianism and makes me want to defend it more.
1995 (Matt Miazga)
Best Picture: Braveheart
Highest-Grossing Film: Batman Forever
Honorable Mention: Apollo 13, Il Postino, Sense and Sensibility, Dead Man Walking, Leaving Last Vegas, Casino, The Bridges of Madison County, The Usual Suspects, 12 Monkeys, Toy Story, Pocahontas, Heat, Se7en, Clueless, Bad Boys, While You Were Sleeping, Friday, GoldenEye, Desperado, Billy Madison, Mortal Kombat, Tommy Boy, Outbreak.
Movie You Should Not, By Any Means, Google or Read Anything About: Spanking the Monkey
Actual Best Movie: Babe
No, I will not be elaborating.
1996 (Evan Louro, Obinna Nwobodo)
Best Picture: The English Patient
Highest-Grossing Film: Independence Day
Honorable Mention: Mission: Impossible, The Rock, Scream, Romeo + Juliet, A Time to Kill, Matilda, Primal Fear, Trainspotting, Jerry Maguire, Happy Gilmore, The Long Kiss Goodnight, That Thing You Do!, Jingle All the Way, The People vs. Larry Flynt, The Birdcage, Swingers, Sling Blade, Star Trek: First Contact, Ghosts of Mississippi, When We Were Kings, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.
Actual Best Movie: Fargo
I have to say that 1996 is the weakest year yet. There are certainly some movies I love on this list, but mostly genre films that survived on campy rewatchability (Independence Day, The Long Kiss Goodnight). Scream was a clever subversion of slasher movies, and it spawned one of the more consistently good horror franchises of all time, but that doesn’t put it over the top for me. Movies like Sling Blade, Swingers, The Rock, and Primal Fear are more notable for launching the careers of people who went on to reach greater heights. But even with all of those qualifiers, Fargo is a worthy choice and a movie that would be a contender in any year.
1998 (Brandon Vazquez)
Best Picture: Shakespeare in Love (woof…)
Highest-Grossing Film: Titanic*; Armageddon**
*Titanic came out in 1997, but it nevertheless earned the most money at the box office of any film in 1998
**Armageddon earned the most money of any film actually released in 1998
Honorable Mention: There’s Something About Mary, The Thin Red Line, The Truman Show, Elizabeth, American History X, Primary Colors, Gods and Monsters, Bulworth, Out of Sight, Life is Beautiful, Mulan, The Prince of Egypt, The Big Lebowski, Rush Hour, Blade, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, You’ve Got Mail, The Wedding Singer, Rushmore, Enemy of the State, Ronin, Run Lola Run, Half Baked, He Got Game, Babe: Pig in the City, Smoke Signals.
Actual Best Movie: Saving Private Ryan
Although not my favorite film of 1998, Saving Private Ryan deserves the top spot for the Normandy Invasion scene alone, which was the first of its kind and basically invented how those scenes would be filmed from then on. Every war movie since has been trying to replicate what Saving Private Ryan accomplished, and basically none have succeeded.
2000 (Roman Celentano, Ian Murphy, Alvaro Barreal, Brenner)
(So, I got to the year 2000 on this list and I was struck by the fact that it has the most players on the team, and each one of them is at least a significant contributor. You have to feel really good about the FC’s future.)
Best Picture: Gladiator
Highest-Grossing Film: Mission: Impossible 2
Honorable Mention: Cast Away, Meet the Parents, X-Men, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Erin Brockovich, Traffic, Billy Elliot, Requiem for a Dream, Almost Famous, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Amores Perros, Wonder Boys, The Emperor’s New Groove, Snatch, Scary Movie, Erin Brockovich, Remember the Titans, In the Mood for Love, Bring it On, Best in Show, Miss Congeniality, You Can Count on Me, Nurse Betty,
Best Movie Filmed in Cincinnati: Traffic
Actual Best Movie: American Psycho
Look, this one might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s just about the best satire of late 20th-century America put to film, and it’s surprisingly relevant today. In addition, Christian Bale gives one of the best performances I have ever seen, and he is backed up by an all-star cast all at the top of their game.
2001 (Joey Akpunonu)
Best Picture: A Beautiful Mind
Highest-Grossing Film: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Honorable Mention: Shrek, Ocean’s Eleven, Moulin Rouge!, Black Hawk Down, Mulholland Drive, Training Day, Ali, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Amelie, Memento, No Man’s Land, Murder on a Sunday Morning, Zoolander, The Fast and the Furious, Legally Blonde, A Knight’s Tale, Monsters Inc., The Royal Tenenbaums, Wet Hot American Summer, Rat Race, Ghost World, Spy Game, The Man Who Wasn’t There, Pootie Tang.
Best Movie That You Can’t Watch Because It Was Buried by Leonardo DiCaprio’s Agent: Don’s Plum
Actual Best Movie: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
While, again, not my favorite movie on the list, the Lord of the Rings trilogy was quite the cinematic achievement. I’m going to honor the first installment, The Fellowship of the Ring, because it has the only truly interesting character and performance in the entire series (Sean Bean as Boromir).
2002 (Malik Pinto, Harrison Robledo, Marco Angulo)
Best Picture: Chicago
Highest-Grossing Film: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Honorable Mention: Spider-Man, Ice Age, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Gangs of New York, Talk to Her, Road to Perdition, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Spirited Away, Hero, Bowling for Columbine, Secretary, Catch Me If You Can, 8 Mile, The Bourne Identity, 28 Days Later, The Ring, Lilo & Stitch, Punch-Drunk Love, Barbershop, Infernal Affairs.
Actual Best Movie: Adaptation.
Start to finish one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen with a generational performance by Nicolas Cage.
2003 (Quimi Ordonez, Isaiah Foster)
Best Picture: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Highest-Grossing Film: That one
Honorable Mention: Finding Nemo, The Matrix Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, X2, The Matrix Revolutions, Lost in Translation, City of God, Whale Rider, In America, Love Actually, Oldboy, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, School of Rock, Big Fish, Bad Santa, Good Bye Lenin!
Movie Where Exponentially More People Watched One Scene Than Watched the Movie: The Brown Bunny
Actual Best Movie: Boy, I dunno. The Matrix sequels, combined?
I’ll be honest, none of these movies really stand out for me. They’re all totally decent, to one level or another. Good Bye Lenin! is genuinely hilarious, In America is a lovely film, and Love Actually is going to be with us the rest of our lives whether we like it or not. But I’m of a strong opinion that the Matrix sequels are unfairly maligned and actually quite excellent, and even the biggest hater will have to admit that they’re ambitious. As a USMNT fan, I’ll always reward someone who aims high and misfires (your favorite player who flames out in the EPL) over someone who succeeds only by playing it safe (stays in Seattle).
2007 (Stiven Jimenez)
Best Picture: No Country for Old Men
Highest-Grossing Film: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Honorable Mention: Ratatouille, The Simpsons Movie, 300, Atonement, Juno, There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, Eastern Promises, Gone Baby Gone, Persepolis, Enchanted, Stardust, Zodiac, Grindhouse, Hot Fuzz, The Darjeeling Limited, Funny Games, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, Death at a Funeral, Once, I’m Not There, Music and Lyrics, 4 Months 3 Weeks and 2 Days.
Actual Best Movie: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
I know, I know, but hear me out. Yes, there are some really great movies on that list, and No Country for Old Men should be the runaway winner. BUT! There are few movie genres more irritating than the music biopic, and Walk Hard so thoroughly skewers the tropes of that genre that I can’t believe they still make those movies. (Watch Walk Hard and then Bohemian Rhapsody, and then tell me that the latter deserved any awards or accolades at all.) My list, my rules.
Anyway, that’s the article. I hope something up there made you mad.