A Club‑by‑Club Guide to Better MLS Victory Songs
Damon Gumbert
There’s very little that MLS fans agree about, such as if Inter Miami and Lionel Messi are ruining the league or helping it grow, whether Taylor Twellman is smart and likable or an obnoxious twit, and more locally whether Pat Noonan is the right man to coach FC Cincinnati.
One thing we can agree on as a whole is that most of the leagues post-match victory songs are non-sensical bullshit. Why would Minnesota United use Oasis? Why is Depeche Mode the band of choice for the Chicago Fire?
In Cincinnati the question is “Why are we using “Mr. Brightside” instead of a song from a local band/artist?” Now, while that question reeks of small city, pick me, inferiority complex energy, it’s still not a bad question to ask. Yes, “Mr. Brightside” is a world wide popular song that most people of watching age know the lyrics to and can easily sing along with, but why not pick a song from an obscure band that has gained minimal popularity in the last 5 years due to being featured on a TV show?
So that got me thinking, along with the plethora of Twitter posts from The Pride supporter’s group blaming a song for the team’s losses, that there could be better choices for post-match songs across MLS. What if the teams did have to pick a song from a local artist/band?
Well, I did the hard part for you MLS. I’ve got your definitive list of post-match victory songs for every MLS team right here.
FC Cincinnati
“Shut Up And Dance” - Walk the Moon
A lot of people are going to dislike this pick, despite it being the most obvious and correct pick, because they prefer old Walk the Moon over the newer songs. Cool. That’s not what this is about, so take your weird hipster music takes and keep them to yourself. "Shut up and Dance” has recently been following “Mr. Brightside” in the post-match song lineup, supplanting “All I Do is Win” by DJ Kahled.
The reason this song fits better than The Killers is that it’s actually a celebratory song. It’s a song that can get you dancing, singing, jumping and celebrating. “Mr. Brightside” is inherently a song about adultery. While it’s still a great song, not exactly the song you want your kids singing after a match.
There’s a dark horse contender that has been picking up steam, mostly due to the Cincy PostCast. While they are my employers, it does not stop me from dragging a bad opinion. “Unstoppable” by Foxy Shazam sounds like it would be a perfect song, until you actually listen to it and realize it’s boring and would be a terrible victory song. I could be talked into supporting “Oh Lord” because it actually makes my want to stand up and dance, a feeling that should be universal in a post-match victory song.
Until someone can convince me otherwise, “Shut up and Dance” is the song.
Columbus Crew
“Saturday” - Twenty One Pilots
There are plenty of Twenty One Pilots songs that could fit better here than this one, but Fuck Columbus.
When they move to Cleveland we can switch it to Bone Thugs N Harmony or Kid Cudi or something.
New York Red Bulls
“Born to Run” - Bruce Springsteen
While they’re called the “New York” Red Bulls, they’re actually a team that plays in New Jersey, so they get a New Jersey artist for their song.
“Born to Run” is a legit banger by one of the best singer/songwriters in American history. Yes, Frank Sinatra is from New Jersey but pretends to be from New York as well, and songs from his discography could have been an interesting choice, but the song is called “New York, New York” not “Secaucus, Secaucus.”*
*That joke belongs solely to the writers of How I Met Your Mother but it lives rent free in my head so I decided to lift it.
I’m proofreading this and I’m not sure that joke works, but also don’t care enough to change it.
New York City FC
“New York State of Mind” - Jay Z and Alicia Keyes
New York proper has a lot of very good music options, ranging from the likes of Jay Z and Notorious B.I.G. to The Ramones and Blondie. I decided to go with this song because it’s family friendly, is about the city of New York, and the chorus is easily singable.
Now, if I had a personal choice for a banger to play after a match, I’m choosing a different Jay Z song, “Dirt Off My Shoulder".” A beat that gets the body moving and lyrics dripped in bravado and swagger. Honorable mentions to: “In Da Club - 50 Cent, “The World is Yours” - Nas, “Big Poppa” - Notorious B.I.G., etc.
Inter Miami
“The Boss” - Rick Ross
I don’t know if I need to explain this one, but I will. Miami has become the boss battle in MLS. The way they tore through the playoffs, embarrassing every team they played was Ganondorf-like.
This song would be a perfect “we know we’re the villains and we love it” victory song. All of the pretend Miami fans would be able to sing along and feel like part of the team for the brief time that Lionel Messi is still playing. After he retires and half of the fans who currently fill their stadium stop paying attention to the team, they can switch to something else like “Whatcha Say” by Jason Derulo.
Los Angeles Football Club
“2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted” - 2-Pac and SNoop Doggy DogG
Damon, why would you pick a song for a Los Angeles team that is performed partially by a guy from New York City? That’s a legit question and a fun thing to bring up when listening to the end of “California Love” when Dr. Dre is mentioning cities in California and the only ones that 2-Pac can come up with are LA and Hollywood.
The thing about 2-Pac is, he’s synonymous with West Coast hip hop. Doesn’t matter that he was born in New York and spent most of his life on the East Coast, he’s a West Coast icon.
Snoop Dogg, however, is California through and through. He was born there, he allegedly murdered someone there, he still lives there today. The Long Beach native is L.A. enough for both 2-Pac and himself.
Now, why did I pick this song? Cause it’s fun, is lowkey menacing, and encapsulates the vibe of LAFC.
Also, I couldn’t decide on a Kendrick song so I just went with this one.
LA Galaxy
“Fuel” - Metallica
“Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire,” just hits as an intro to a victory song.
Thats the entire reason.
Chicago Fire
“Saturday” - Fall Out Boy
Similar song, better band than what I had for Columbus. I could have gone with Chance the Rapper, Common, Chicago, etc. Kanye West would have been my go to, but, well, ya know?
Fall Out Boy is the perfect band for this instance because they have some crazy good banger songs. I could have gone with “Dance, Dance” or “Immortals”, but “Saturday” is the self-proclaimed anthem of the band, as well as a tie to their time as just a local band from Chicago.
Plus, the song begins with the line, “I’m good to go.” If that’s not exactly what most people are thinking at the end of the game then I’ll eat my new The Post Cincy hat which you can purchase from the merch store.
Nashville SC
“Aint it Fun” - Paramore
I very much wanted to make a joke of this and pick something like “Kill Me” by Hayley Williams or Jeff Jarrett/Road Dogg’s smash hit “With My Baby Tonight,” but this song by Paramore is perfect in this instance. Not only is it a song that kids can sing along to and enjoy, but there’s a deeper meaning that adults can get behind about how much it sucks to grow up.
Philadelphia Union
“Dayman” - Cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
So, instead of doing a joke for Nashville I decided to do one for Philly. Sucks to suck, Philadelphia.
Toronto FC
“I can’t Feel My Face” - The Weeknd
Both a good song and the feeling you have after watching TFC play a soccer match.
St. Louis CITY SC
“Shake Ya Tailfeather” - Nelly, Murphy Lee, Convict 37452-054
Chief told me that this was the pick.
Also, yes that is his actual inmate number.
Atlanta United FC
“The Way You Move” - Outkast
Despite what Chief thinks, and I will never forget his “Atlanta has no culture” comments, Atlanta is arguably the third most important city in hip-hop history, let alone the talent in other genres that have come from this city. Narrowing down the victory song for this team could be an entire article for itself. Just in hip-hop we have: T.I., Jeezy, Outkast, Future, Childish Gambino, Ludacris, Migos, Gucci Mane, Waka Flaka Flame.
“The Way You Move” is a great song off the Grammy Award winning “Speakerboxxx/The Love Below.” It often gets overshadowed by “Hey Ya” on that double album, but it’s a certified bop as well. Sleepy Brown adds a basic but catchy chorus that everyone can sing along to.
As Big Boi says, and just like an ideal MLS soccer match, “No discrimination here, squirrel.”
Now I’m going to speed run through a few of the less musically significant cities.
Vancouver Whitecaps FC
“Call Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepson
CF Montreal
“The Power of Love” - Celine Dion
Charlotte FC
“Come and Talk to me” - Jodeci
Real Salt Lake
“Believer” - Imagine Dragons
Austin FC
“Inside Out” - Spoon
FC Dallas
“Bodies” - Drowning Pool
Orlando City FC
“Bye Bye Bye” - N*Sync
I’ll stop and say something about this one. N*Sync was my favorite boy band growing up and that may be why I chose them here, but also I think “Bye Bye Bye” is probably the biggest song that made it out of the Boy Band Era and into the cultural zeitgeist. Backstreet Boys definitely also had a song or two explode from that time period, but N*Sync’s magnum opus lives on forever.
Does anyone actually remember songs from other boy bands? I know LFO and 98 Degrees and whoever else existed, but I couldn’t name a single song by any of those groups.
Anyway,
Colorado Rapids
“Counting Stars” - One Republic
Portland Timbers
“Louie, Louie” - The Kingsmen
San Jose Earthquakes
“Long Train Running” - The doobie Brothers
Sporting Kansas City
“Carry on My Wayward Son” - Kansas
I’m going to be honest, finding a band/artist from this area was a pain in the ass. Someone with better resolve than myself would probably be able to do it quicker, but I copped out and picked this song.
I think they are obligated to have The Elite there at least once, but there are worse songs to have as you celebrate one of the four victories you’ll have all season.
New England Revolution
“I’m Shipping up to Boston” - Dropkick Murphys
To the surprise of no one, Foxborough, MA is not an area known for it’s music scene. I’m sure there are some cool artists and bands coming from that area, but I don’t know them.
So we move to Boston, where every New England team is claiming without actually being in the city and paying taxes.
And then we move to Quincy because Dropkick Murphys are the only choice. This song is awesome, I first heard it in ‘The Departed’ and its been stuck in my head since.
San Diego FC
“Feeling this” - Blink 182
So many different songs to choose from with Blink, but even Mark Hoppus thinks this is the best Blink 182 song. And who are we to disagree?
D.C. United
“Focused” - Wale
Gonna be 100% on this one, I like Wale a lot but also I haven’t listened to anything he’s done since 2012 so I might not be choosing the best song here.
Seattle Sounders FC
“smells Like Teen Spirit” - Nirvana
Sometimes the obvious choice is the right choice.
Minnesota United FC
“Lets Go Crazy” - Prince
I mean, how the fuck is Prince not the victory song for Minnesota? Going with Oasis over Prince is criminal.
Literally the most famous person to ever come out of Minnesota and you don’t choose one of his songs? Malarky.
I could have chosen more popular songs like “When Doves Cry” or “Purple Rain” but those don’t scream Victory, ya know? When I Googled “hype Prince songs” this was the first one to come up.
I don’t know a lot about Prince’s music and I’m not going to pretend that I do. My parents did not listen to him, my mom preferred Garth Brooks and other country music while my dad was blaring Bruce Springsteen most of the time.
My most vivid memory of Prince is when he played the Super Bowl, singing “Purple Rain” while literal rain was falling. I didn’t know much about him, but it was a big deal that he was playing the Super Bowl.
Everything Prince did was a big deal. He was a big deal. And Minnesota United should treat him like a big deal by playing his music after a victory.
Conclusion
If you don’t like my list, make your own. Send it to @mrkevinwallace.bsky.social on Blue Sky. All of your complaints about my list can go into the Patreon. If you’re not a subscriber you can join just to complain about me. If you @ me I will block you. Not really. But maybe really.
